We get the illustrious adventures of a suburban teen hitting the big city, binge-watching 22 straight hours of Love Island while depressed and - finally - Gen Z’s cynical comedy, which has sadly been missing for most of the season.RUE: When Kat was 11 years old, she went on a family vacation to Sandals, Jamaica. Euphoria Episode Seven Dick Count: 1 ?Įuphoria is officially firing on all cylinders this episode.
But we are treated to actress Maude Apatow dressed up as Bob Ross for Halloween, curly wig, beard and all. While high school bombshell Cassie Howard’s breasts are exposed in a gratuitous sex scene, not a single dick pops us. After a first half filled with penises and praise for equal parts male and female nudity, Euphoria has left us all blue-balled. The dick detox has turned into a dick desert. For anyone screaming for mediocre white-boy representation, this is your episode. He asks, “Did you cum?” Rue clearly did not, but the dude thinks he did the fucking work. The boy finishes and flips over to lie beside Rue there we see his soft white-boy dick. A flashback shows a barred-out Rue at 15 years old losing her virginity to a skinny white boy on a laundry room floor. Again, we are treated to a single dick this episode. Brace yourself.Įuphoria is officially on a dick detox. Unlike the man’s penis, the scene is surprisingly long.
In her first online session under the username KittenKween, Kat chats with a man with a micropenis who wants to be humiliated. While I saw only nine penises in their PowerPoint, I left with insurmountable knowledge about what constitutes a horrifying dick pic (a messy room) and a terrifying one (fucking swords in your photo?!).Īfter her sex tape goes viral on Pornhub with unexpectedly flattering and feedback, Kat decides to enter the world of camming.
Not only do we get some glorious and oh-so-accurate Larry Stylinson fanfiction (sadly, there’s no cartoon One Direction nudity), we also get an exploration of CFNM porn - i.e., clothed female, naked male. Kat stumbles upon a CFNM video on Pornhub and grants us our first three dicks this episode.īut nothing quite compares to Rue and Jules’ very true, very funny and very important dick pic tutorial. Most articles heralded the second episode as the magnum opus of dicks. Our second set of dicks this episode comes when the body-conscious Kat starts exploring her sexuality and scrolls through the comment section of Pornhub. What’s more, some of these penises are repeats of dicks we’d already seen a few seconds earlier! I hope there’s another 30-dick scene to come, because watching this was not worth possibly getting banned from this D.C.
#Fat gay porn euphoria porn skin#
Skin got the same number, the Ringer reports. As the investigative journalist I am, I’m putting my reputation on the line to say I counted only 21 dicks. This is largely believed to be the infamous 30-dick scene. Where’s the closeted gay teen trying to hide his boner? The scene is an homage to the shower scene in Carrie, but instead of breasts, dicks are everywhere. Nate, the star quarterback and son of “DominantDaddy,” is shown navigating a post-football game locker room. The second episode is the cure for the blue balls we got in the pilot. There is a possibility my numbers might be slightly off as I tried my best to maintain a sense of dignity while starring at countless dicks in public. Also, it’s worth noting that I rewatched the first four episodes on a rickety charter bus and at a Washington, D.C., coffee shop. That’s it.ĭisclaimers: Spoilers are abundant in my dick data analysis. Characters walking around naked or having sex with shadows conveniently hiding their appendages does not count. My dick criteria are simple: The penis must be shown onscreen. If the Hollywood Reporter won’t do it, I’ll do the Lord’s work and count all the penises in Euphoria, episode by episode. Ya know, when y’all told me to watch Euphoria you coulda warned me about all the dicks ???įor this hot young gay writer, though, “close to 30” is hardly specific enough - I need hard data. We been staring at boobs and vaginas on television for NO reason for decades. I, for one, can’t wait to see 30 dicks on #Euphoria ? I will stand up in my living room and applaud.